I will always miss you, mum!
In 2020 I said a beyond heart-aching goodbye to my mum. The person who I love and also the person who I can devastatingly no longer have in my life.
After what feels like a lifetime of helping her to survive I had to say goodbye in order to try and survive myself. Throughout my caring journey I have cried endless tears which could fill oceans; have been continuously emotionally abused; constantly screamed and sworn at and have spent an infinite number of hours agonising about my mum.
In 2020 I was completely burned out and no longer had capacity to look after myself, let alone someone else. I did not want to be in this world anymore and the role of being parent to my own parent was constantly reinforcing this for me. I was at the end. I wanted my life to end. The suffering was incomprehensible, and, in all honesty, it still is but just in a different way. I am constantly tormented with an endless torrent of emotional bullets transporting me back to all the horrific experiences I witnessed with her.
I had genuinely never realised that the extent of years and years and years of endless trauma had completely ripped me to shreds. There was nothing left of me. I was a shadow. I was beyond drained, constantly in a cycle of grief, sadness, guilt, anger, frustration, shock...The list is endless!
I am still very much in this cycle and the grief lingers and feels so prolonged that it debilitatingly impacts my daily life. Do I feel any comfort now? Sadly, no I don’t.
As I write these words, my eyes fill up with heart-wrenching tears. I wipe them away and more flow out. I am sad. I am really sad. Sad that my mum has been unwell my entire life; that I’ve never experienced having a mum-figure; that I’ve witnessed her endless struggles and distress and her devastating confusion in trying to fit into the world that she’s never felt part of.
I will never ever feel relief from this permanent weeping knot in my stomach which seeps out whenever I relive any of the countless harrowing events that I have experienced with her. These memories attack me from all directions, most times out of the blue and I am completely blindsided, and it hurts so much. I do not even have the words to describe how overwhelmingly horrific it feels.
My eyes will never stop feeling heavy when I think of how hard life has been for her and how that knock-on-effect has obliterated me. I don’t know who I am anymore. I constantly yearn for her, just to hear her voice, but I have to remember that it is also her voice that can instantly submerge me straight back to the nightmare I used to reside in.
I do not know how this chapter ends. However, I do now know that experiencing repetitive unimaginable trauma has affected me more than I could have ever realised, and I would never wish that upon another human being, especially a child.
I will always love my mum, more than she will ever possibly know. I would give anything for her to feel comfort, but it is impossible. So, now I have to allow myself time to grieve for someone who is still alive. And that person I am grieving for is the loss of my mum. The person who brought me into the world and the person I always wanted to have a better life.
I am so sorry, mum. I wish I could have made life better for you!
Your heartbroken daughter,
x Rebecca x