How to reduce your guilt as a carer
I always find myself saying to people that guilt is a wasted emotion. It’s there to tell us not to do something again … to learn from our mistakes and to spare us from the dreaded heart-wrenching, fierce knot-in stomach feeling that can immobilise our whole bodies.
But what about when guilt becomes a daily occurrence?
Being a carer for someone with a long-term illness, such as dementia or mental illness can cause an abundance of guilt.
Sometimes it may not seem to ease. Caring for someone with a long-term illness has caused me to feel a mass amount of guilt over the years. I feel guilty at the sight of someone in so much distress. I feel guilty because nothing I do seems to make a difference and I feel guilty when I try and do something to make myself feel better.
Can we really defeat guilt? I guess as humans we can’t totally as it is something built into us but I have learnt some strategies that might help reduce the pain and listed these below.
I often find verbalising (internally or externally) where the guilt has arisen from helps to establish the actions and thoughts that have lead to the feeling of guilt.
It may be “I really wish I wasn’t dealing with this … I really wish I could cut this part of my life off”
Or “I really wish you could just understand for one moment how I feel”.
These are fairly common reactions when you’re caring and it really helps to release a lot of unsettled pressure when it’s expressed….whether that’s writing it down or telling another person.
Show yourself compassion
Everyone has blue days and that is totally valid and OK.
Some days we feel we can fight for world domination, others we can’t bear to peer out from beneath the duvet … and that is also OK!
Everyone needs downtime, especially when caring. To remember we are not robots and that we hurt and we should allow ourselves time to recuperate.
Ask for support
As a carer, it can be exceptionally tough to ask friends and family for support. Sometimes in the fear that “they don’t understand what I’m going through” or because we want to protect them from how we are really feeling …. but sometimes having someone to listen can feel like a weight has lifted into the sky.
There are also some fantastic support groups around where you can have the opportunity to share your experiences with others, who may well be experiencing similar.
There are also carers’ forums where if you don’t feel like face-to-face conversations then these platforms offer a safe space to share your experiences. If you type in dementia and guilt, lots of features appear...so please try and know that you are not alone.
If you have a particularly tough day then please allow yourself some time to ease the pain and to do something you enjoy. This could be listening to your favourite music, eating a crate load of galaxy chocolate or watching a sunset. Whatever it may be, it may help to recover from the emotional distressing feeling of guilt and you deserve it!
To all carers, you truly are HEROES! Please never forget that!
x Rebecca x